Control pt.1

I've never had dust, only lust in my eyes
So when porn became an addiction, it came as no surprise
Now, no I never had withdrawals from it
But physical pain is not the definition of addiction
So, even though I wasn't hurting, I was replacing my God with skin
But You are outside of skin and bones
So why can't I be when I'm home alone?
Just one click of the mouse and my soul
Has another tiny piece of itself torn off and thrown into the mud
I want to shed this body, but I'm only shedding blood
And this spirit's gonna bleed out soon, I just know it!
And there's no doubt in my mind that I love God, so why can't I show it?
Because I'm weak
And I'm getting weaker everyday
Because no matter how bad I want things to change,
I don't want to change
Because underneath it all I just want it to be okay
I want God to look down at me and say
"Whatever you want to do, you can."
But He's not
He's weeping and asking why I keep putting these nails in His hands
As if all of society hanging on to His feet wasn't enough
I have the audacity to smile and write about His love
Then cut myself open and bleed out His blood
All because I can't control my own lust
This is pathetic
How can He love this mistake He created
When all I can do is look in the mirror and hate it
As poisonous words leak from my mouth
And murderous acts leap from my hands
How can I stand here and call myself a man of God?
I can't
Honesty forces me to admit my identity
I am a sickness hoping to be healed
Because unless all of me dies, none of me is real.

Dim the Lights

Dim the lights
Until shadows engulf the faces of everyone
So that I can't tell they aren't me
Because if we lived in a world where no one could see,
Maybe we'd close our eyes and finally see
The pain and joy and truth of our "friends"
'Cause right now I don't see them, I just see skin
Blanketed in styles and meaningless trends
(I, myself, am blanketed in meaningless sins!)
I want to be the Man Without Fear
But it's so hard when my eyes control my ears
See, when the pretty girl talks, she's all I can hear
And like a man hearing a siren, I jump from the pier
But beauty is not skin deep!
Quite the opposite, actually
Skin has the limitation of only being pretty
Because only things of God have the gift of true beauty
This includes sacrifice and selflessness and love
So I'm bathing in gasoline and shedding my own blood
But when it comes time to light the match I panic
"Of course I love You, God, I've just got a better plan it
Leaves me broken, but still covered in flesh
(That flesh will be important when I'm having adulterous sex)
So can't we just try my way, You can still come along?"
You hang Your head, but never leave me alone
Why don't You leave me alone!
It's what I deserve
To lie in my filth and self-inflicted hurt
But instead You give me music and clouds and words
And a body and my parents and a family
And You
You give me Yourself!
Which is more than I have ever done for You!
So blind me, because I'm blind already
And these eyes in my skull are getting so heavy
That they're anchoring me to this Earth that You
Made for me to float away from.