Control pt.1

I've never had dust, only lust in my eyes
So when porn became an addiction, it came as no surprise
Now, no I never had withdrawals from it
But physical pain is not the definition of addiction
So, even though I wasn't hurting, I was replacing my God with skin
But You are outside of skin and bones
So why can't I be when I'm home alone?
Just one click of the mouse and my soul
Has another tiny piece of itself torn off and thrown into the mud
I want to shed this body, but I'm only shedding blood
And this spirit's gonna bleed out soon, I just know it!
And there's no doubt in my mind that I love God, so why can't I show it?
Because I'm weak
And I'm getting weaker everyday
Because no matter how bad I want things to change,
I don't want to change
Because underneath it all I just want it to be okay
I want God to look down at me and say
"Whatever you want to do, you can."
But He's not
He's weeping and asking why I keep putting these nails in His hands
As if all of society hanging on to His feet wasn't enough
I have the audacity to smile and write about His love
Then cut myself open and bleed out His blood
All because I can't control my own lust
This is pathetic
How can He love this mistake He created
When all I can do is look in the mirror and hate it
As poisonous words leak from my mouth
And murderous acts leap from my hands
How can I stand here and call myself a man of God?
I can't
Honesty forces me to admit my identity
I am a sickness hoping to be healed
Because unless all of me dies, none of me is real.